Wow – I’m really behind in giving the world an update; it’s been about three weeks! I write this now from 30,000 feet as I fly home from Las Vegas. Lots has happened since my last post. I ran my first marathon, and while it didn’t go nearly as well as I’d hoped or trained for or planned, it was still a great experience in so many ways that I never expected. So let’s start there.
I’ve ended things with dudes for not being supportive. At this rate, though, things with The Giant would come to an end definitely NOT for that reason. Come race weekend, I found myself doing something I hadn’t done in a really long time: turning to someone for calm and reassuring, and ultimately, a shoulder (or chest) to cry my tears of disappointment on. Three nights before the race, he accompanied me to the Marathon Expo. We went to dinner afterwards and then stopped at the Patagonia store to see some of his friends. My plan going into the evening was that I was going to go home without him and get some rest and sleep. Instead, I realized how much of a calming effect he has on me and asked him if he could stay with me that night; and he did. When I was stressed about my brother being a pain in my ass the night before the race, The Giant called and calmed me down; he reminded me that there are so many people supporting me and to focus on that instead. He was right, and his advice worked. He and two other friends were at Mile 8, and I stopped and gave them each a big hug. I saw The Giant and V again at about Mile 19 and Mile 22, when I’d already realized that I was not going to achieve my goal time and had been crying and choking up on parts of the course. At the very end of the race, after crossing the finish line in Central Park and being herded out of the park like zombies from the Walking Dead, his face was the first one I saw on 72nd and Columbus. Sweaty, exhausted, and so disappointed, I walked up to him, put my head on his chest, and just cried for a bit. Let’s keep two things in mind here: 1) I’ve known this man for all of two months, and 2) I’m not a crier. And another two things: at that moment, he 1) put his arms around and 2) kissed the top of my head which I’d warned him probably wreaked of sweat.
After I calmed down, we walked over to the reunion point my track club prearranged and where my brother and sister were waiting for me. So The Giant meets the family and some of my running friends. In the two months that I’ve known him, he’s met an unbelievable amount of people in my world, from friends to family to coworkers. I notoriously keep men away from that part of my world until I know how I feel about them and the situation, but for whatever reason, I figured – what the hell.
The day after the race, I met him downtown for a nice 2-hr lunch outside by the river. I couldn’t believe that he still wanted to see me after spending so much time with me and my friends/family already that weekend. We saw each other Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. On Wednesday we went to an event thrown by the organization that we both volunteer for. He’d bought two tickets with me in mind. The party was kind of weird for me, but so many things make me uncomfortable and feel awkward anyway. We showed up together and both had friends there. I introduced him to everyone I knew and I was so happy to see some of my friends that I spent much of the night talking to one of them. He was teasing me about my “boyfriend” to which all I could say was no, he was not!! He introduced me to one of his friends and another woman who I later learned was her girlfriend. Then we left together, and walked back to his apartment. This whole showing together/leaving together things has not happened in several years for me. It’s weird, but I kinda like it.
On Friday, I left for Michigan and the beginning of a 2-week trip that would take me across the country. First stop, though, was a weekend with Hot Boss. I don’t want to dwell on this too much because what I learned after this weekend, it doesn’t deserve much time. Don’t get me wrong, it was a fun, low-key and laid-back weekend. We had lunches and dinners at his house when we weren’t out. I met his son. We took his M3 for a spin up along the lake, and his 911 out on the rolling hills near the city. We went to an informal classical performance of a Schubert piece (“Trout” for any fans out there) at the museum. We sat in front of his fireplace and drank wine and talked till 2am and tested out his breathalyzer, haha! It was fun and funny. I got some downtime of my own which was so necessary given the week that I’d had prior. However, I do feel that he’s still grieving and shit – I don’t care who you are or what the circumstances are. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. As one of my very good friends says, indecision is a decision. And in this case, if he can’t decide, I will because shit – I have just as much decision making power. At lunch before the museum, he noticed guys looking at me and then looking at him. He told me this the next day which explained why he put his hands on my shoulders when he came back from the bathroom before we were leaving lunch. I interpreted it as marking his territory, minus peeing on me. He isn’t a touchy-feely kind of guy – at all – so whenever he does touch me, I jump. On the night of the wine and breathalyzer, I could tell he wanted to, at the very least, kiss me. But I didn’t let that happen. If he doesn’t feel compelled to do anything when he’s sober, then I’m not interested in it if he’s drunk. Fuck that. Besides, it was him who said “just friends” and guess what – I don’t kiss my friends. On Monday afternoon, he dropped me off at the hotel where I had to meet everyone for my training week, and fortunately there were no sightings. We had a few text exchanges last week, but this week was quiet. I left MI for Denver on Friday and then flew to Vegas on Monday. I sent him a photo and text yesterday and received no response. It doesn’t even say that he’s read it! I don’t want to cut him off, especially since I do consider him a friend, but all relationships take two.
While in Denver, The Giant called and we discussed some trip ideas that he had. These ranged from a week in Indonesia or the Philippines down to a day trip to go hiking in the Catskills. We ultimately decided to go hiking this Sunday, as in the day after tomorrow, and to spend a week in December in LA where I have to be for work anyway. He did disclose that the hike would most likely include one or two of his friends from CT… and their “significant others”. Oh man – here we go again. I guess it wouldn’t be as awkward for me if I knew that he and I were something more than activity buddies that have sex, but since I don’t, it makes me uncomfortable. Anyways, I agreed to the group hike and commented that it’s only fair since he’s already met a shit-ton of people I know. To this he commented that he still hadn’t met my best friend. I said, well, I don’t really see my best friend. Then I somewhat reluctantly invited him to a brunch that I’m supposed to have with my best friend and his girlfriend on Sunday, November 29th in Astoria. They made the best signs for the marathon, and saved them for me. I want to put them up in my apartment! So The Giant agreed to brunch. FINE. Maybe he’ll forget. Out of all my friends and family, my best friend is the last person that I want any guy to meet. He has seen me go through way too much shit with men and he worries about me more than anyone else does… with good reason. I told him that The Giant was coming and he’s excited to meet him, but I still have my reservations. I don’t want him to worry about me.
But I digress. It took a couple of days, but after The Giant and I spoke, I realized that I wanted to see him sooner than Sunday so I asked if he might still be free that Saturday evening. I get in from Vegas late on Friday night so I originally wanted to take all of Saturday to just unwind for a bit, run some errands, do some laundry, go for a run, watch TV and be lazy. Then I realized that my suite in Vegas had a washer/dryer so I didn’t have to do that at home. My groceries are being delivered tomorrow between 10am-12pm. So depending on how bad my jetlag is, I can be up and about and productive (and lazy) before dinner! Turns out, he said he didn’t realize that I wanted to get together so he made plans to meet two of his friends (married with a newborn) for dinner that night, but I should come with. For fuck’s sake – AGAIN?! It took me a full 36 hours to respond; in fact, he even texted me and asked if Vegas swallowed me whole. FINE. I agreed. Ugh.
“This is Trish. We do stuff together, like have sex, but we aren’t in a relationship.”
CURVEBALL: On Monday after the marathon, my running club had its monthly meeting. There’s a guy that I met on one of our group runs over the summer. He, another one of the guys, and I ended up running the longest distance that day so we all ran together. It was fun and he’s funny. He’s little but a hell of a runner (2:53 finishing time for the NYC Marathon!). He’s in Brooklyn doing clinical work so he was never going to be here long term. We’d see each other at group runs and communicate via email or Facebook. He’d say that he thought I was beautiful and blah blah blah, but he’s always such a joker that I never paid much attention to his alleged flirting but I did pay attention to some other weird, lewd things he did say. At the group dinner, the night was winding down and everyone was leaving. As I went to say bye to him, somehow everyone else left! I walked over to the stairs leading down, and he had this look in his eyes that he was on some sort of mission. Yo – I was SO CONFUSED! Right there at the top of the stairs, he backed me up against the wall and kissed me. I was like, whoa – what?? I told him that I had to go because one of our friends was going to bring me home. A few days later he messaged me talking about whatever, and I asked him wtf that was all about. He apologized and said that he must have misread me. I was like, umm… YA THINK?? I told him that if he did like me, he could ask me out like a normal person – wtf – and not just throw his tongue down my throat. He apologized again, and said that he doesn’t have much luck with women (no shit) and hasn’t asked anyone out in a really long time. So he did ask me out on a date. Running of course, followed by food. No date/time set, but we planned for next week when he gets his schedule. He’s running a race in the park on Thanksgiving morning and I will be volunteering and handing out medals. I told him to find me at the finish line and I’ll put his medal around his neck… and try not to choke him. He can be so frustrating!! Oh yea – he also called me while I was in Denver. Maybe he does like me after all? He is still in Brooklyn till sometime in December; after that, who knows where he’s going. Then out of nowhere yesterday, he asks me if I’m going to be in NYC on a particular weekend in June. He got tickets to a play and asked me (actually told me) that I can be his date. I have no idea what the play is but I agreed after looking at my school schedule. So if I don’t see him next week, I guess I’ll see him in 7 months? He’s a cool guy, but definitely not smooth and gets pretty nervous.
He still has no nickname since he’s so new; if anyone reading this has any suggestions, please share!
I do like The Giant, quite a bit surprisingly, but shit – if he’s not wanting to lock it down, then I’m keeping my options open and my guard up. I told my therapist that I’m so acutely afraid of making the same mistakes again. He said there’s no way that’s happening because I won’t let it. He said that I’ve learned and grown so much that it isn’t possible. I still think I’m that much of a dumbass that I don’t put making those mistakes again past myself. In this case, I’m most concerned about committing myself to someone who doesn’t want to commit again. That’s what I’m really trying to avoid because that’s what’s so prevalent out there in the world. Like I said earlier, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. So far it appears that he does, but will it go any further? Who knows… but I’m not limiting myself to just him. He listens really well and I’ve said before that I don’t like to assume anything, especially how someone feels about me. Besides, he is leaving in January for a month so whatever.
Till I figure it out, I’m just trying to have fun with it all. Signing off from home sweet home. Good night! #jetlag