WTF am I doing? I really really wish I had an answer. Trying to keep feelings in check while simultaneously trying to be a cool girl are not working out so well. They’re two entirely separate entities, swimming in two very different lanes at different speeds. And at the end of the day, I feel like a complete spaz.
A rotation cannot exist of one. That’s not a rotation! So I’m still making attempts at building one. Shit, I even met a new guy this afternoon; he was cool and we had fun running around the park, but I may have immediately friend-zoned him. Shit, I even downloaded Bumble, which keeps on freezing so I’d have to delete and re-download which then made me question how much effort I wanted to put into this rotation build. Shit, tomorrow I’m supposed to go on a group outing with someone who I know is interested in me but is too socially awkward to do anything; he’ll probably just ignore me till it’s time to say goodbye when he’s stuck on me like brown on rice.
The reality of the situation is that I’m in a place that is very uncomfortable. A place that makes me have feelings that I haven’t felt in over a year, feelings that could lead to other feelings that I haven’t felt in several years. So what do I do? Stay in my comfort zone, knowing full well that nothing great comes out of there. I’m maintaining as safe a distance as possible while jumping out of my comfort zone every now and then because I do like him. Besides, for him to be in NYC for 10 years and to have spent almost all that time in relationships (two, I think), he could be a serial monogamist with me just being another wrung in his ladder. So when we were discussing NYC dating, an area that he knows nothing about, at 2am on Wednesday morning, I offered to show him how Tinder and Bumble work. I don’t know if it was that comment or the time, or both, but he shut up pretty quickly.
I’m really tired of dating. It’s exhausting. It’s so time-consuming. I truly just want it to be over. All I want is to be with someone who wants to be with me. Very simple.
The Giant and I are admittedly hedging our interest in each other. Last weekend, on a hike up to Bear Mtn, he randomly asked me what my thoughts are on marriage and kids. Huh? I thought we were going hiking. Apparently my answer (that I’m open to the idea of kids as long as there is a significant baby-daddy around because I’m not doing one without the other because my life is happy and full as it is) was sufficient since he’s still around. So I asked him a few nights ago if ending up with a Jewish woman was necessary to him or his family; his answer was no, which is part of why I’m still around.
Bottom line: we enjoy each other’s company. I know that I’m very precariously looking for something serious; I may go so far as to say that I’m overthinking things. But I do have a hard time investing in this because I don’t want to go all out for someone who’s not my boyfriend. Again. I did that already last year, and it gave me nothing but a frustrated kind of heartache. That’s why I still keep my options open, which serves as a reminder that #1) he’s not interested in locking it down, and #2) there are other dudes out there who might be. Truth be told, I’m not really putting much effort into meeting the other dudes but if I learned anything from my last situation, don’t go balls to the wall for a dude who isn’t your man. I’ve got a lot to offer a relationship, and a hell of a lot of love to give a worthy recipient. But not everyone deserves that level of time and attention, especially if it’s not reciprocated.
He got my best friend’s seal of approval, which is hard to do given the recent lineup. I’ve now met five of his friends, the last two however were a complete “sneak attack” which does not play well with the social anxiety that he was not aware that I have. Surprise! I could tell he felt awful after he saw how much I didn’t appreciate that last minute addition to plans, and I told him that I need time to mentally prepare for shit like that. I couldn’t have gotten out of his apartment any quicker; all I wanted to do was leave. I guess I resented him for putting me in a situation like that, even though he had no idea, so I just wanted out – immediately. I didn’t even realize that I was standing in his hallway about to get in my Uber without giving him a hug or a kiss till he said so. I took a few steps back in and gave him a hug; he picked me up and held me there for a while. It was nice, but I still had to leave.
Two nights later, we went to Queen of the Night (which was AMAZE-BALLS by the way) which I’d been wanting to see for a while so I finally just bit the bullet and splurged on tickets, figuring that now I sort of had someone to go with. AND we had to get dressed up. HA! All he knew about the show was the video on the website, so we both were going into it pretty clueless… and proceeded to get even more confused as the night wore on. Because both of us attract attention, which he loves and I try to deflect, it turned out to be a very interesting night for us individually, and together. He even asked someone to take a photo of us, which he still hasn’t sent me.
And finally, in what could be a make-it-or-break-it scenario, we’re both working remotely the week after next… from an apartment right on Venice Beach. That’s going to be six nights together. SIX. The most so far has been two, last weekend. Yikes.
If anybody reading this thinks I need a slap across the face, please feel free. Like I said, I’m not good with these things called “feelings”…