Winding Down

Merry Christmas!  If you celebrate it anyway.  I don’t but it seems that everyone does.  Things are weird right now.  It’s warmer here than in Southern California, for example.  The Giant and I spent all of last week there.  We didn’t kill each other, and even had a good time, I dare say.  Our apartment for the week was all of about 200SF but that wasn’t even a factor to my surprise.  I worked, he worked, he got sick, I worked out, we had lunches and dinners, met up with friends, and explored downtown LA.  It was a good trip, although I find myself in a similar position as with The Original LA Guy.  A position I said I wouldn’t put myself in again.  So now it’s time to address it three months in versus 10 months in: shit or get off the pot.  However, I think that I will take a more subtle route this time and actively phase myself out.  After three months, numerous dates and days/nights together, I still don’t feel that there’s any real “partnership” – to use his word.  I’m all for having our own lives and interests, which we both certainly do.  When we do get together, though, we have fun but it seems that something is off.  I want to feel like I’m part of something.  I don’t want to call it a “team”; maybe it is a partnership, and I don’t feel that way at all with him… maybe because we’re both too independent?

For example, we had dinner last night.  Yes, another holiday dinner together.  He told me that he was going to Atlanta for 36 hours on Saturday for a day-after-xmas party his friend’s family throws every year that he’s never been to.  I’ll admit that I felt a bit burned for not having been invited.  So you know what I told him?  That I also just booked a trip  (which is true) to go riding with friends in Utah after school next month.  I’m reverting to my eye-for-an-eye tactics because I don’t think guys understand otherwise.  That’s been my experience, anyway.  I couldn’t gauge his reaction because I wasn’t looking at him when I told him; I was looking down and past him.

Why didn’t I invite him to Utah?  Well, a couple reasons but the primary one is that I don’t know that he’ll still be around by then.  Besides, next week is NYE and we haven’t talked about doing anything.  So I made plans to see my friends!  Last night he pointed out that we’ve done something together for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, and now Christmas.  I don’t assume, however, that there is some sort of streak that needs to be kept alive.  I told my therapist the other day that he hadn’t asked about NYE and he was shocked.  I went on to say that this could be a deal-breaker and he agreed.  At dinner with The Giant last night, he certainly made it seem like he was still thinking into the future with me; he said he even made a note in his iphone calendar to go to Target again with me next xmas eve to people watch.  I was looking at him like, yea – don’t walk, be on your phone, and bust your ass on these stairs right here, champ.

What it boils down to is this, and I will give credit to my coworker for articulating my feelings better than I ever could:

I can’t do more, be more, or give more to this whatever-it-is without it itself being more.

It’s been more than three months.  Maybe he doesn’t want more from me, but in general, I do want more.  Just maybe not from him.


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