I’ve held out on any updates because, really, I didn’t want to think about things which is what writing about it forces me to do.
To sum things up briefly, I didn’t spend New Year’s with him and I’m happy I didn’t. It’s now 2016 and for better or for worse, I’m still boyfriend-free. I don’t know if four months later, not being sure if I want him to be my boyfriend is a good or a bad thing. I haven’t felt strongly about someone since The Original California Guy which came to an end around this time last year, and we all know how that ended (a reminder in case some of us forgot: (TBT: The Original “California Guy”). Is not being sure a good thing? Why is it taking me so long to decide, though?? That alone is not normal for me, which I think is part of the reason why I still stick around. Am I keeping him around because I like him and genuinely think that this might go somewhere, or because I want to hold onto a nice guy for a change? Or both? Or something else? ALL THE QUESTIONS right now.
After a discussion that spanned two days because of what I call his “word cloud” method of communication which confuses the shit out of me when I tend to communicate in bullet points, my main takeaway – and perhaps the most important? – is that neither of us are seeing anyone else in an attempt to see where this might go.
Bye-bye, Tinder. Bye-bye, Bumble. Apps have been deleted in this concerted effort.
Let’s not get it twisted, though; he’s not my boyfriend.
I’m starting to think that he thinks I’m so beat up and battered and bruised by the guys I’ve met, dated, etc. and I have to remind him that it was only one bad relationship; the rest of the relationships were totally normal, healthy, etc. The guys I’ve dated on a more casual level, though, are hit or miss in that it might have been just one date to a few months. He comes from this shiny, happy place with super long relationships that he touts to be just as shiny and happy. GREAT! That, however, is not my reality. While he’s been single for all of a few ( >6) months, I’ve been single – by choice – for 3-1/2 years. Our dating experience is vastly different.
Don’t get me wrong – he is clearly a very kind-hearted person which I admit is not easy to find. Should communication be this complicated? We are both trying to work through things, but I think that he gets so concerned with making sure that I’m not in any more uncomfortable situations which then makes me uncomfortable because as I’ve told him, I’m grown and can handle myself, and ultimately by him acting so, makes me uncomfortable because now I wonder if he thinks I’m some big baby who needs to be shielded from the cruelty of the world… or maybe just his friends.
The other day he again remarked how guarded I am. To which I remarked, among other things, that I’m not going to bare my soul to him or to anyone who I don’t feel safe with. And I sure as hell am not going to bare my soul to someone who I’m not in a relationship with. Getthefuckouttahea.
Whatever-this-is aside, on Wednesday I will embark on the newest and biggest undertaking of my adult life in the last 10 years: pursuing an Executive MBA at a school on the total opposite end of the country that I will have to fly to every three weeks. It will be an educational 19 months for sure, and I expect it to be grueling at times, as well. What happens to this non-relationship remains to be seen. Last week I told him that as I mentally prepare for this next challenge, should this thing we’re doing continue or should we just call it? With my time, energy, and funds being limited, prioritization is key and did he want to be one of them? He said that wasn’t a fair question because what if both or one of us wanted more but it just wasn’t possible? So he opted, albeit cautiously, to be a priority. I wonder how much uncertainty I’ll be able to handle, which is why I give it three more months. Six months is a long time to be with someone… yet not. So if I have to cut the umbilical cord in April, I’ll do it. Ideally this won’t be the case, but shit – if he doesn’t want to lock things down, I’d rather spend my time and energy on more productive things.
Tonight he said how he still wants to go snowboarding somewhere local with me. GREAT! Go plan it. Or don’t. I’m sure I’ll have homework to do anyway.
It’s all fun and games till life happens.