“Committed to this process” Huh?

To my few faithful followers, I apologize for the 4-week gap.  It’s a bit challenging, this whole working full-time, school full-time (across the country), working out, social life juggling act.  For the most part, work and school have been weighing most heavily on my mind, but who wants to hear about that?  I think about it enough, I sure as hell don’t want to write about it.  All I know is that every few weeks, I feel like I’m fighting off a cold.  WTF.

How was everyone’s Presidents’ Day Weekend, hmm?  This weekend of course included the ominous, the dreaded Valentine’s Day.  I probably made a big mistake going into the weekend by discussing with my coworker all of my frustrations with The Giant… right before meeting him for dinner on Friday night.  Whoops.  Of course, I didn’t tell him that before I laid into him.  Couple my frustrations with his shitty past few weeks at work, and this was a volatile situation.  🙂  One of the most memorable moments of that night, though, was his shock when I told him that I have legitimately lost sleep thinking about this.  He said that he’s supposed to be helping keep me calm, not keep me up at night.

Here’s what I do know:

  • he has never had his heart broken
  • of the small handful of relationships (mostly long-term) that he had, he’s always done the breaking up
  • all of the aforementioned relationships began as friendships that lasted at least a couple years before transitioning to a romantic nature
  • I’m the first person that he’s dated that breaks this pattern

All of this then leads me to believe:

  • this extensive “exclusively dating but nothing more than that” period of five months and counting is his way of putting me through a kind of “friend to maybe more” process which he’s accustomed to
  • it’ll be a competition to see who breaks up with whom first.  For any gamblers out there, I’d recommend putting your money on me.

I believe there’s a lot to be learned from sustaining a broken heart, and him having never gone through it explains a lot.  Actually, five months later, I’ve gotten a better picture of him.  Hey, I’m still here, right?  So after voicing several of my concerns to him on Friday, he saw that I clearly was ready to never speak with him again.  I told him that we are both adults and are capable of making decisions.  My database of experience that influences my romantic decisions is much more extensive than his, so I don’t need a thousand years to figure out what I’m going to do.  Couple my loud voice (at well below shouting levels, mind you), his shittiest day ever while working in finance, and a frigid night with extreme wind and low temps and you’ve got quite a recipe for disaster!

Call me a sucker.  Call me weak for not walking away.  I exhaled and went along with his proposition to table the discussion to the following day.  Is there ever a good time to talk about this kind of shit?  I say no, but he says yes… I learned as long as all his conditions for having the conversation are met.  I advised him that sometimes, you don’t get any other chance than that very moment.  I would later find out that he thought I was giving him threats.  No no no no… I don’t give threats, darling.  I leave.  Very simple.  All I was trying to convey to him is that this is either something or it isn’t, and if it isn’t then we shake hands and walk away; that this is not particularly difficult for me to do because things have been so ambiguous for so long.  And just because he’s not into names and titles, doesn’t mean that it isn’t important to me in helping me gain clarity, and that for five months, we’ve been doing everything his way.  I’m pretty over that aspect, to be honest.  But aside from just walking away, I don’t know how to do anything my way.  I feel we’ve gone so far down his path of doing things, and I’ve told him everything that I thought.  Fuck, what keeps me here?  Several things, but all I do know is that I’m very hesitant to keep things going for much longer without any formal commitment.  When I expressed this to him, he said that he wants to make things more clear for me and said that he is “committed to this process”.  Am I supposed to feel good about that?  Because I don’t.

Despite my tone in writing this, the weekend was not a disaster.  We tabled the heated conversation on Friday night till the following day.  In an effort to salvage the weekend, and in a complete 180, I invited him to stay with me on Friday night and to my surprise, he did.  I made breakfast Saturday morning, we watched movies, and he split to run some errands but not before I gave him a fondue set, replete with chocolate and goodies, to take home where I’d meet him later.  Warm dessert on a freezing cold night – perfect.  We watched Zoolander 2.  Sunday, Valentine’s Day, we went snowboarding at Hunter and had a lot of fun on a cloudless, but still freezing cold, day.  Went back to his place after and watched the Walking Dead.  Stayed in bed on Monday till about 11am and talked some more.

He is gravely concerned with how “aggressive” and “loud” I can be, and what’s up with my “fight or flight” attitude?  Shit, I was pretty calm when I was talking to him.  That concerned him even more, hahaha!!  I said that I wouldn’t be so frustrated if things were more clear.  See how that works?

So we established two new pieces of protocol for when I am upset:

  • no matter how mad I am and how much I resist, I have to let him hug me.  Under normal circumstances, I want to be as far away as possible.
  •  if it can be helped, all serious conversations should take place in bed

Maybe the reason I stay is because he’s a good guy.  Maybe the reason I stay is because I do see some potential for a future there.  Maybe the reason I stay is because I like to fucking torture myself.  Maybe I just haven’t learned my lesson yet.  All I know is that five months later, I still don’t feel like I’m part of a team or anything.  More like our worlds just collide every now and then.  Either way, the conversations that we have in person tend to be enough to hold me over for a short amount of time… then I just get irritated all over again.  Like now, ha!  To be honest, I’ve got plenty to keep my mind off him, but it’d be nice to feel like I have one less thing to worry about.

To be continued…

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