Now What?

Between work and school, I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with three guys.  One is in LA and we know about him.  One is from last night’s date, but even though it went really well, I have my reservations about it going anywhere.  One is potentially coming back from the past.

Let’s start with last night’s first date.  He was super cute (his nickname is Curls) and has such a baby face that he can’t grow a beard.  He’s funny and we have lots in common, and our lives have led us to several of the same places, including undergrad, concerts and parties while in undergrad, and even neighborhoods in Brooklyn.  There is definitely a mutual physical attraction, and he’s a lot of fun.  The catch: I’m pretty sure he’s broke.  He’s looking into a career change, which I assume would be more financially stable, but I don’t know… Do I really want to deal with this?  I’m not sure.  We got along pretty well, and he said things like we should go to a Mets game this summer but I know better than to believe what these dudes say.

After parting ways with Curls last night, I saw that The Giant called and left a voicemail.  But before I get into that conversation, let’s backtrack.  His email me to me the other day consisted of four pages, single spaced, and consisted of some bullet points.  This undoubtedly took him a long time to write, and for me, it was a four-page emotional roller coaster.  I felt everything from frustration to disappointment to happiness.  I read it so many times over 24 hours.  So many.  It took so long to let it sink in, and I don’t know that it completely has.  The fact of the matter is that in the past three weeks since the phone breakup, I mobilized my moving on process.  It of course included several days of being sad and upset, but in Oregon, when I was overcome with the “everything is going to be alright” feeling, I knew I wasn’t going to cry anymore and had gotten over the worst of it.  While I’d told him the last time we saw each other to please just leave me alone unless he was interested in trying to sort out our differences, I was not holding my breath for him to reach out to me.  Despite the breakup, my world was not going to stop spinning.  So I filled up my June and July with summer plans that take me out of NYC and away from him.  

Receiving this email from him was opening up a recently healed wound.  While processing the email, I was just numb.  The possibility of having to revisit these old events and feelings was not something I was sure I wanted to do, given the progress I’d made to get beyond it.  

In his email, he wrote… He wrote so much.  My main takeaways were:

  • He realized the things he did wrong and things he could’ve done differently, and even apologized for some of it, including not making it clear that one weekend that he did want us to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend
  • He had a rough idea of what we need to do to not make the same mistakes again and a plan moving forward (some of which I agreed with, and others that are not an option whatsoever)
  • His “dreamer” characteristic, just not based in reality, that my therapist pointed out was evident
  • He really opened up and agreed that the connection we have is “more rare than I once thought and is worth fighting for”
  • He wants to work things out and wants us to meet with my therapist

My response was NOT 4-pages long, and also included bullet points in order to make it visually easier to read.  My main points were: 

  • We are not spending any time together with any friends, neither his nor mine, unless we are officially together as boyfriend/girlfriend.  I’m not playing this fucking game again, and I refuse to put myself in that shitty situation again.  The focus should be on him and me right now, and that’s it.  If I’m going to be around his friends and family, I want us to be comfortable with each other and with our relationship so we can be NORMAL.  
  • The fact that several of his friends know more about our relationship than I did bothers me.  I’d said in the past that he talked to everyone except the person who this conversation would affect the most – me.  He agreed and apologized for that, too.
  • Neither of us can underestimate the damage done. 
  • We are not picking up where we were last happy; we are picking up where he left me, feeling completely unwanted, punctuated by him breaking up with me.  We are NOT together right now, and with some time and work that I’m willing to put in, hopefully that will change.
  • While my email did not read as very positive, I am willing to give it an honest shot

I called The Giant back last night as I walked to the train from my date with Curls.  His voice was very cheery despite the time (1115pm).  Over the 45 minute conversation, the tone of his voice changed.  Before receiving my email, which I sent about 26 hours after receiving his, he’d made plans for us to go to two events and things with some of his friends who I hadn’t met.  He told me what they were but I honestly don’t remember what they were.  One was a Patagonia event that he’d bought tickets for or something with me in mind, and I think the other one was a double dinner date on Thursday.  He said that he read my email and understands the reasoning behind my complete lack of cooperation in meeting friends right now, and admitted to getting ahead of himself sometimes, in both directions. I told him that I need baby steps right now.  He asked if it would be a couple of weeks till we sort this out.  Seriously?  Dude, I have no idea.  I can’t think that far ahead right now.  I don’t even know how I’m going to react to seeing him again.  I couldn’t even tell him if I wanted to discuss things on Wednesday in person or on the phone.  He pointed out how he could hear the hurt and anger in my voice – but I wasn’t “yelling” (translation: getting excited) this time.  

His tone started to change when we started discussing our availability to discuss further these emails since we both had further comments and that he had questions in his 4-pager that I hadn’t addressed.  I’m en route to LA right now for class, getting back Sunday morning.  He’s in Montauk this weekend till Monday then has the first of two of those events on Tuesday which leaves Wednesday.  And we are going to see my therapist on Thursday evening, although I’m not sure what time since he’s the one who called him to make the appointment.

Then he started to really get pissed.  

I told him that I’m home till the 17th then get back on the 26th but his mom’s knee surgery is on the 28th and then I leave on the 30th for 2-1/2 weeks, completely missing his birthday on the 1st as I don’t get back till the 18th.  🙂 He could barely speak at that point, realizing that we weren’t going to see each other again till pretty much the end of July.  He frustratingly stuttered out a question, asking me where I was going.  The anger in his voice at this point was evident.  He commented on how quickly I shut him out, how quickly I removed him from my Dropbox access, and how quickly I replaced my summer plans.  I asked him what else I was supposed to do and reminded him that he broke up with me.  I told him that I’m incredibly hurt by his admittedly hasty decision, and was upset for long enough before I told myself to just stop.  So while he spent the last three weeks rethinking his decision and all the things that happened and were discussed, I was moving on.  Seriously, though – what the fuck else was I supposed to do?  

Oh, but we have to get off the phone because he was getting upset.  Man, put on your big boy pants and deal with the decision you made.  

I texted him this afternoon, and asked if he was around the weekend of 7/23.  He said that it’s sad that that’s the first weekend where we will both be home, and it’s six weeks away.  I told him about an idea I had for a weekend away, and figured that he should be happy that I’m even suggesting it.  Instead, I told him that even though it’s 6 weeks away, I figure he and I should be in a better place by then.  Maybe.  

In any case, I’m off to LA and AirBnB guy is picking me up from the airport tonight.  I’m looking forward to our surgery date tomorrow night when I get to take the three stitches out of his eyebrow.  Curls just texted me to thank me for a really nice night last night.  

The saga continues but I really want it to end.

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