exhale.

exhale is the name of the fitness studio where I just started taking classes (my back and my ass are both really sore right now).  It’s also what I find myself doing very consciously in recent weeks.

Last week, The Giant wanted to discuss the email exchanges we had in more detail, prior to us going to see my therapist.  I knew this wasn’t going to be a good idea, but for whatever stupid reason, I went along with it anyway.  Here comes the roller coaster again.  It was heated and then it was calm, and then it completely blew up with both of us literally walking away from each other on the street.  He preaches fairness and equality, yet fails to practice it at 100% and instead, from what I’ve noticed, does it only when it’s convenient for him.  This applies down to smaller things, like how he was rounding up my age a month before my birthday yet here we are, 2-1/2 weeks before his, and he still refers to his current age.  While we’re on the subject of birthdays, he is still profoundly upset that our schedules will keep us apart for most of the summer, including his birthday.  When I saw him last night, he brought up again how I’m missing his birthday.

Oh – you wanna talk about missing birthdays?  Let me remind you how you broke up with me 2-1/2 weeks before mine.  So let’s not even play this game, shall we?

Another point where I see our personalities clash (as if we need any more) is that I am very results-driven while he is very process-driven.  Personally, I tend not to put too much emphasis on HOW a conclusion or decision is made, as long as it’s made and there’s some sort of action.  He, however, needs to think everything through and plot all these different possible outcomes and engages in what seems to me an analysis paralysis (hence the three weeks it took for him to come to a revelation about our relationship while in the same three week period, I’d already moved on).

When we walked away from each other last week, I felt a huge sense of relief and the proverbial weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  For the first time in over a week, I slept through the night without anything weighing heavily on my mind.  This made me truly think that he and I just aren’t meant to be, given that sense of relief and ease of walking away.  This is why it was very confusing to me why I reached out to him and offered a truce.  I start to wonder now if I’ve grown so accustomed to this bullshit that I can’t get away from it.  We met up yesterday evening and for the vast majority of the time together, things were fine.  Not normal, but better.  And I even let him kiss me which hadn’t happened in a very long time.  We later went to dinner, then he came over, and then of course, the inevitable tensions arose.

Good thing I see my therapist today, and then The Giant and I see him together tomorrow because I truly don’t know what in the actual fuck I’m doing.

 

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