make it stop.

I’m trying – trying really hard – to make it all stop.  This emotional roller coaster is more than I can handle.  I write to you now from my good friend’s couch in Hollywood.

Quick update: I knew things with AirBnB Guy needed to come to an end.  Shit, I was going to put an end to things last month until The Giant broke up with me the day before.  Instead, I let things keep going… until today.  Giant aside, AirBnB Guy’s personality is not for me and I knew this.  I thought I could deal with it out of convenience for school and for company till I realized I couldn’t.  There’s no point in spending time on something if it doesn’t have the potential to be great.  So that’s it.  There were very few words exchanged, no drama or even hugs, and I don’t believe he was even surprised.

Trying to get this emotional pendulum (sometimes referred to as a roller coaster) to stop swinging is no easy task.  There’s a constant state of tension in my life that keeps me up at night and is always lurking at the front of my mind.

I have no idea what’s going on with The Giant.  I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling, what he wants to do or what he doesn’t.  We are rarely on the same page.  When he first reached out to me with the 4-page email, I was so mad, so hurt, and I wanted – needed – to be mad at him to him.  I was selfish because who the hell else was going to do what was in my best interest??  Who the hell was he to think he could just break up with me and then three weeks later think that I’d run back into his arms like nothing happened?  He was ready to jump in head first whereas all I could do was move in baby steps.  We went to a couples therapy session with my therapist and I watched my therapist have a hard time communicating with him.  I realized it wasn’t just me.  He and I argued after therapy and I undoubtedly said things that hurt his feelings.  Therapy is tricky, man.  It stirs the pot and brings all this shit to the surface that you may or may not have thought you were ok with.  Clearly, we were ok with very few things so stirring the pot made for an even livelier session.  We walked out of there with things we both needed to work on, although I think his were more of a shock for him.  Up until that point, he thought he was an excellent communicator.

Dude, I’m exhausted.  The emotional drain is overwhelming and at the end of that night following therapy, I told him that I choose to be happy.  I’m so tired of feeling so uneasy and not feeling like I know what the actual fuck is going on in my life.  In the past month, every time I felt I had an idea, it lasted just long enough for me to get used to it before something happened again.  So yea, I just want it to stop and I choose to be happy.  I told him what he wanted to hear, but well after he’d wanted to hear it and well after I’d already said things that hurt him.  I told him that I’m tired of letting what happened in the past eat at me, eroding my spirit.  So I won’t let it.  I choose instead to focus on the present and how it may affect the future, whether or not he’s in it… although I hope he is (yes, I told him this much).  He said that if I’d said that even just a few hours before, it would’ve made all the difference but at the moment I did, he was already so mad.

While I was packing to come to LA last week, I had an a-ha moment; it was undoubtedly the a-ha moment he hoped I was going to have while reading his 4-page email three weeks prior but, as I said earlier, we are rarely ever on the same page.  The idea of leaving on such a fucked up note and making him upset and then jetting out of town for a week with the potential of not seeing him till mid-July… suddenly, I couldn’t handle that.  Suddenly, I realized that just the idea of all that time apart made me miss him and I hadn’t even left yet.  Suddenly, I realized that I’d already lost him once and didn’t want to lose him again.  But if I did, that was going to be it; I can’t willingly put myself through this again.  It’s too much.

He and I are supposed to meet up on Sunday before he takes off for CT, and I leave later in the week for FL for the holiday weekend and miss his birthday.  What I’ve decided to do is to just lay it all out on the line.  I poured my heart out to him when he broke up with me and I had no idea that that showing would be what changed his mind.  I don’t expect it to have the same effect this time; we are in a different place and for all I know, the damage is really too much to bounce back from.  This week apart could be good, bad, both… I guess I’ll find out in a week.  My emotions are still all over the map, but at the end of the day, I miss him – a lot.  And I love him – a lot.  I know it’s mutual… still trying to figure out if this will work.  In my heart of hearts, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope we do work it out and get back together.  In this total amount of time apart, I’ve realized that I struggle with seeing my life without him in it.  If we do get back together, will that shit be easy?  Hell fucking no.  But I am honestly and truly willing to put in the work and for the first time, level the playing field so we both know what in the actual fuck is going on.

As with everything, we’ll see what happens.

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