numb.

LAX-JFK… Oh , Delta – so much for “definitely” getting on the earlier flight.

I haven’t yet, but I’m certainly approaching my breaking point.  I’m currently at a point where I can’t tell if I’m numb because I’m over the situation or if I’m just so worn out from thinking about it for so long.  My sleep and focus are becoming noticeably more and more affected, and this is not good given new initiatives at work and of course grad school and the stress that brings (especially the stress of how the fuck am I supposed to pay for the last bit given I had pre-Brexit estimates of $1000 to pay off each month and haven’t looked at what interest rates have done since then because it’s still 14 months till graduation day).  Anyway, I vacillate between spending the rest of my life with him and leaving him the fuck alone – two very big extremes.  But ultimately, I know that I just need this shit to end, and I told him when we last saw each other after therapy that this does not need to get dragged out any longer than necessary.

We had some email and text exchanges since I’ve been out here.  Nothing much yet also nothing angry or hostile.  On Tuesday night, I emailed him photos from the Dodgers game and the Jonathan Gold taco place (Guisados) I went to before the game with my coworkers.  The following day, I caved and texted him telling him that I’m thinking about him and miss him and how he’s probably super busy with the pending Brexit and that I hope he’s well.  He responded that night, all very friendly, and that was it.  Being that it’s Sunday in NYC now and we are supposed to meet later, I texted him and commented on some things he’d texted and asked if he was busy tomorrow or if he still wanted to meet.  That was about 3-1/2 hours ago.

I think it’s pretty safe to say I am no longer a priority to him.

The distance in time and space since the breakup and then again since we last saw each other is definitely having an affect on me.  Part of me is getting used to the idea of him not being around anymore – not like there isn’t plenty of other stuff to focus on.

All I do know is that something has to give, and it has to give soon.  I had every intention of writing down all my thoughts on paper for tomorrow, but since I don’t know if I’m seeing him, it’s all just thrown together haphazardly on Word at the moment and that’s it.  I even got him a birthday gift since I’ll be missing it on Friday and it’s something I’m sure he’ll enjoy.  Not sure I’ll get a chance to give it to him, in which case I will either sell the tickets or will keep them and need a date on Saturday, October 22nd!  In any case, if we don’t see each other tomorrow, I’m not sure I have the patience nor interest to string this out even longer.  After tomorrow, he goes to CT and I go away for 2-1/2 weeks so I think that things will just fizzle out if they haven’t already.

Oh well.  Either way, I will know more tomorrow.  Good night from LAX.

Photo Jun 09, 4 49 53 PM

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