one week later, i wish i could say that i have a definitive answer as to wtf is going on. current status and any future is still up in the air. he and i have totally swapped places. when he wanted to work things out, i needed time. now that i want to work things out, he needs time. of course i’m growing impatient but remind myself to do a little woosah and it’s all good.
and it works. i just had that feeling a little while and literally shrugged it off. i guess i figure there are lots of things i can focus on otherwise. like, this finance homework that i don’t even know where to start from. or these international flights for september’s school trip that won’t book themselves. like getting to see dear friends who i haven’t seen in YEARS when i spend a week in san francisco starting on tuesday. like this marathon that i start training for on monday, and how to adapt that schedule to my own crazy one. like the job that i interviewed for that i hope/expect to hear next steps this week as i was one of four candidates. like the scholarship that i’m also a finalist for. when i think of all that other stuff, i just redirect my focus on things and people and other relationships that are fulfilling, or potentially fulfilling, in other ways.
till now, i still don’t know how i’m going to react when i see him. i’m so used to feeling uneasy and because of his aversion to PDA, not knowing if even a kiss on the cheek is too much. when we met on sunday, i was happy to see him. i gave him a big hug, he picked me up, and we kissed. a bit later, he told me that he was not expecting that, and he was also not sure if i even still wanted to meet him that day. surprise. when i said i chose to be happy, i meant it. in any case, i told him a lot of stuff that day but made it clear that i wanted to give our relationship another shot – a fair one this time. being that we were in bed and all nearly 200lbs of him was on top of me, i knew it still wasn’t outside his realm of possibility.
a few days later, i came to florida. the next day, he left for montauk to spend the weekend in the airbnb that he had booked for us. instead, he was going with one of his guy friends. today he told me about the look of surprise on the airbnb host’s face when they saw him show up with another dude for a space that had one queen size bed. in fact, when he was recounting the story, he said that he’d written to the airbnb host something about “me and my girl etc etc”. and now that i think about, that’s the first time i’ve ever heard him refer to me as anything even remotely close to something meaningful to him. and honestly, now that i’ve realized that, it makes me incredibly sad. that’s something i’d been wanting to hear, waiting to hear, for months. and there it is, after we’ve broken up, while we’re over 1000 miles apart.
we played a bit of phone tag yesterday, which was his birthday, and finally caught each other today. i told him that i never know what is going to come out of his mouth so it gives me a bit of anxiety and panic. we spent the better part of our about 2-1/2 hour conversation catching up on what we’ve been doing. he said that he meant to discuss us with me earlier, as in last week, but didn’t get much of a chance to stop and think about things. and i completely understand, between the financial world shaking up after brexit and his mom’s knee surgery and going to long island, i told him i wasn’t surprised and wasn’t upset. we talked a bit about it, but obviously nothing conclusive. equally as obvious is his need to think about things. so go ahead. think. i’ve thrown out there the things that i have scheduled that may involve him and others that will take me out of town (hello, work travel in july/august – wow).
one thing, however, is that he said that he knew he shafted me for my birthday but that he feels i shafted him for the summer because this is not how he envisioned his summer to be. i agreed, and said that when he broke up with me, i did not imagine in a million years that three weeks later, he would want to get back together. so i think he’s still a bit… upset? about that.
whatever the case may be, i have plenty of other things to focus on right now, including the fact that i have to wake up in 7 hours to go to another 7am bootcamp with my sister in law. he called me out for only having called him 4x since we met so i guess we’ll have more phone calls in the next couple of weeks till i get home.
the saga continues…