da hell, bro?

i came to a conclusion today.  after my last long conversation with him and the feels that i’ve been having, there is now an expiration date on this seemingly unending saga.  i’ve said all that i could say, and feel that i’ve been as honest and open as i could be – unprecedentedly honest and open.  i’ve cut him some slack since there’s plenty going on in his world between work and his mom.  he apologized for not having formulated a proper response to our last serious conversation as he’d expected to do so that week.  i said i didn’t expect one given everything else going on in his world.  i’m sure he’ll get to it – sometime.  when, i have no idea.  will i care at that point?  i have no idea.

back in december when we had the first conversation about what was happening between us, i told him that what i wanted was simple (compared to his soapbox diatribe): to be with someone who wants to be with me.  and right now, what i’m getting from him is half-assed.  so why am i even bothering, i asked myself?

after the last blog post, i called him late and told him how i felt about the whole airbnb message thing.  he said that he realized he was more forthcoming with our relationship with other people than he was with me.  somehow that just made me feel even worse.  a mutual friend was having an art opening and, in a drunken state, asked The Giant about what happened.  he told him, he said in the most simplistic way possible given our friend’s intoxication levels, that he messed up.

i’m not the biggest believer in the zodiac but there was a post on IG today that compared how long all the different signs hold a grudge.  Mine was “30 seconds” and his was “years and years and years”.  i’m definitely seeing that in action right now.  because this has dragged out for so long, i feel that i may pass some point and start resenting him.  honestly, i feel that i’m approaching that point very quickly.  so all i can do is try not to think about it.  going out to SF tomorrow will be exciting and am really really amped to see my friends.  eight days is a really long time, though, but – and this shows my priorities – i’m particularly excited about checking out the gym in my friend’s building, haha!  he said it’s the only residential building gym that has a indoor rock climbing wall!  and he said that he’d map out some running routes for me.  a change of scenery and logging some miles in a different city will probably help to rejuvenate things.

it’s a task to not let this situation put me in a funk.  even tho i’m obviously in a little bit of one, i feel that i’m still being proactive in taking measures to improve my situation without letting it hinge 100% on another person.  i swear!

bottom line: i get home in two weeks.  if we haven’t sorted it out by the end of that week, sunday 7/24, then i’m pulling the plug.  there it is.  out there in the universe.  i’m not going to spend my summer or the rest of the year waiting for him to figure things out.  at that point, it will have been over two months since we broke up, nearly two months since his lengthy email, and over a month since our couples therapy session.  i think that’s ample time, no?   i’ve cut back on communication and will continue to do so until further notice or 7/24 – whichever comes first.

boom.

also, this email from him today showed me what he really is spending his time thinking about at the moment: being right about my math homework.  he is not kidding, either.

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5 thoughts on “da hell, bro?

  1. I applaud you for putting a date on it. I know I need to with my weird ass who knows what’s happening relationship but I just don’t feel brave (is that the right word?) enough to yet.

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    1. it isn’t easy, that’s for sure. and writing about it definitely makes me accountable.
      the reality is that i just can’t deal with this stress and anxiety anymore; there have been too many hours of sleep and focus lost because of this.
      good luck with your relationship; you’ll know when it’s time!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmm, a man who doesn’t know what he wants is childlike. He’ll regret all of this if you end up cutting all communication, he’ll see his errors and might change. But it will be too late… Or will it? Hmm

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    1. Which is exactly what happened in May. I told him that unless he wanted to try to sort things out to leave me alone and he did… For a few weeks till he sent the 4-page email. The whole thing just makes my head hurt.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hate to say this bub, it seems like he’s using you to keep his options open, it’s beginning to sound like you’re his fallback, he has surely taken you for granted and thinks you’ll always be around for him whenever he wants.

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