this is a new frontier for me, this whole relationship thing. unlike my dear BF, i have gone several years not seriously attached to anyone, and for the most part, i was pretty happy that way. as i’ve gotten older, met more dudes, and gone on more dates, i grew increasingly particular about who i wanted to be in a relationship with. turns out, there have been very few in the past four years. i’ve never entered into relationships without a lot of convincing. how will i benefit from this? how is this going to enhance my life that is already pretty awesome? at the same time, i’d be lying if i said that i didn’t have moments of wondering if there was something wrong with me, or if maybe it really will be just me in this lifetime. i’d also be lying if i said that those thought didn’t bother me from time to time. in the mid-to-late thirties age range, there’s a lot of reflection that goes on based on what i’ve noticed about myself and my friends. consequently, there are a lot of realities and truths that make themselves known – if you want to know them.
that being said, i think that i’m a pretty self-aware person. because of this, i’m pretty aware that i have not exactly settled into any sort of relationship-groove. to be honest, it’s not easy with various factors and moving parts in both our lives, and the inability for me to really get into any sort of groove since i’m never anywhere for very long – and the next two months is putting that into overdrive.
i bring this up because #1) i’m not used to being in a relationship unlike him, and #2) i was not in a relationship mindset when we broke up like he was, thus i’ve clearly got some adjusting to do. one of the points we agreed on was to involve each other in our worlds more, meaning more integration with family, friends, etc. over the weekend, i commented how we went literally from zero (broken up) to 60 (me meeting a bunch of his friends) in literally a matter of days. and then meeting more of his friends a couple weekends later (the weekend in between i was in school). it took me a while to figure out what why this bothered me so much. turns out #1) i did not have a transition period, and #2) the focus has largely been on his friends. for me to be out of town so much, fuck yes i want to see my friends. i invited two to the beach the day i was meeting his (and our mutual) friends but honestly, i’m having a hard time juggling all this with the minimal free time that i even have. also honestly, with such little free time, it is not my priority to meet his friends; it is my priority to spend time with mine. and by the way, i did tell him that after being broken up for two months, i want to spend time with just him – not him plus a thousand people around all fucking day. he seemed to understand when i laid it all out like that.
unlike him, i NEED alone time. being around people all day wears me out, especially large groups, and especially if i have to talk to a lot of people. at the end of the day, i will be completely exhausted of energy and words, which is exactly what happened over the weekend. this happens at work, too; if i have to give multiple presentations or am at multiple meetings all day, i just want to be quiet at the end of the day. no talking. no conversation. just silence.
recently he and i had discussions about my current, and obvious, not-so-thrilled-with-life mood since i have no poker face. i make attempts at organizing my life and live through my calendar. since he is large part of my life, there are more frequent and deliberate talks about what we are doing in the forthcoming days/weeks. he admits he is not very organized so sharing calendars would not be helpful since his is not necessarily updated. mmkay… fine. i can’t expect him to be as particular about scheduling as i am, but he at least realizes that forecasting is required and he does give me those.
at the end of the day, i just need to adjust to this new normal. who knows how long that will take, but i am currently still in an adjustment period. it’s only been three weeks since v2.0 began so i think that’s fair. he knows he can get ahead of himself and i’m here pulling on the reins. he does remember pretty much everything and he does listen – i will 100% give him that. i know he won’t do anything to purposely make me uncomfortable or anything like that… i just hope that, maybe with time, he’ll ease up a bit more on his ideals and be more in tune with mine.