well, this is familiar

oh, relationships.  this is taking quite some getting used to.   to be honest, i don’t know wtf is going on.  again.  but now in a different way.  maybe it’s just me, but you don’t just say that “i’m not sure about the future of this relationship” just to be dramatic and make a point.  who says that?  that guy did.  those words resonated deep in my gut and for all the wrong reasons.

things at therapy session #2 didn’t go well at all.  AT ALL.  like, he doesn’t want to go back to see my dr with me because, among other things, he thinks my dr is biased.  again, they went at it.  this time, my dr called him out on interrupting and talking over him.  yup, the BF definitely does that.  i think that what my dr was trying to tell him, convince him, show him is that nothing is perfect and to really just lighten up.  he actually said to “roll with it”.  the BF wanted tips and tools to diffuse a situation.  my dr gave him some but they were starkly different from what it sounded like he wanted to hear, and the opposite of what he was used to doing.  after all, this is neither of our first time in couples therapy with a significant other.

what i’m trying to emphasize to him is that #1) if what you’re used to doing isn’t working, it could very well be time to try something else; #2) i am who i am.  he is who he is.  our relationship is its own unique entity.  stop trying to make it something that it isn’t and appreciate its uniqueness!  shit, i don’t want something like what anyone else has.  i want something special.  And #3) once you say shit, you can’t take it back.  like that comment about not being sure about the future just being for effect.  that shit hit me like a brick truck.  he can’t take that back.

his emails give me anxiety every time i see one roll in.  it could be just a link to an article or video, but i’ve been conditioned to think it’s something bad or negative or something that i’m going to have to spend another 24 hours trying to dissect because it’s so verbose.  or all of the above!

i told him that i need clarity on where he stands on this relationship.  again.  because you can’t just say shit like that and then brush it off.  he said that yes, i’m on his short list of priorities after we get back from asia.  shit, i think there’s a chance he’ll break up with me before asia.  it’s all just very familiar and i thought that we moved past that.  clearly we haven’t.  it’s disappointing to feel that we aren’t on the same team working towards the same goal.

this relationship shit is hard.  i’m more than willing to put in the work and won’t complain if i feel that the effort is being matched by a partner who is equally as invested.  i just don’t have that impression of him right now.  i told him that i feel stupid for still seeing all the good things and all the potential when it doesn’t look like he does.  i’ve been in this position before and it sucks.

oh well.  we are supposed to talk about it tomorrow, but i can’t even hold my breath on that.  part of me thinks that he’s going to be so turned off by my email, which i carefully crafted over the course of 90 minutes by the way.  either way, i have to sleep, do laundry, pack, and repack tomorrow before i leave the next day.

peace out, from LAX


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