away we allegedly go

i spend way too much mother f*ckin’ time on airplanes.  after publishing my last post, my flight to nyc was delayed even further for a total of four hours due to a mechanical problem.  mind you, i was on the redeye.  i wasn’t irritated or mad, just tired and wanting to go home.  after finally taking off, i wake up and it’s just about time for the first food and beverage service.  for whatever reason, the man next to me decided to grab my thigh with a kung fu grip.  when i asked him WHAT THE FUCK he was doing, his response was inaudible, thanks to my earphones (which weren’t playing anything), the ambient noise in the cabin, and my overall shock at the situation.  mind you, i was wearing camo pants, a sweatshirt, and high tops.  he essentially curled up into his corner of our two-seat arrangement and left me alone for the remainder of the trip.  needless to say, i had serious difficulty falling back asleep.  when we finally landed, i was ready to go off on him if he even TRIED to say anything.  he didn’t, except for offering for me to walk ahead of him and out of the plane.  i declined.  fuckin weirdo jerk.

whenever these kinds of incidents happen, which is unfortunately more often than i care to admit, my mood falls into a funk.  we all have had some form of sexual violation or assault happen to us, which i hope doesn’t make us complacent – but i especially hope that for myself.  when i finally got home, i showered immediately and went to sleep for a few hours.  the BF texted to see if i got home and if i still wanted to meet up that night.  i told him yes, and briefly what happened.  he asked me to call him.  when i did, the silence from his end was either shock or thought.  among other things, he said that he doesn’t know why this stuff happens more to me than any other female he knows.  i told him flat out that i don’t care about any other female right now.  honestly, do i need to be compared when it comes to this?

anyway, he came over and despite his shitty comment, i was happy to see him and just curled up into his 6′-6″ frame and stayed there for a while, not saying anything.  we ordered dinner and i asked if we were going to talk about what we were supposed to.

yup, that’s me – back to business.

because it was a little while ago, all i really remember is the part that mattered the most to me which is what i wrote about last time: once again finding myself in a tenuous state, wondering what the hell is going on and not having any clue as to what this relationship is and what it is to him.  i told him that after his remark, questioning the future of this relationship due to communication issues, i felt that his hand was hovering over the eject button and he was going to just bounce at any given moment.  while i can’t disagree that poor communication doesn’t bode well for a future, it’s like – NO SHIT.  i told him that i don’t need to be reminded of that.  we know.  we both fuckin know.  and when he talks about it in such a threatening way, it makes me skittish and makes me question EVERYTHING again.  AGAIN!  how the hell am i back here at square one again??  how stupid am i??  he looked at me and said that’s a terrible place to be and terrible feeling to have – again.  i could tell that he felt bad.  he gave me long hugs, held my hand, and told me that his hand was not hovering over any eject button.  i said that i’m too rattled to believe that, and that i wondered when he was going to break up with me next.  in a couple of days?  a couple of weeks?  would we even still be going on vacation or doing anything we planned to do in the immediate future?  because shit, i’ve been in this position with him before, only to be left scrambling for a backup plan with a week to spare.  that shit hurt and it sucked, and i don’t want to find myself in the same position just a few months later.  he could see how much this bothered me and i could see that he really did feel bad.  he understood that it’s not easy for me to just believe things, especially when feelings are very familiar in a negative way.  instead, he asked me to let him know when that feeling changes, before we go away.  i said that i didn’t know if it would be different by then, at which point he said that an update would be good, even if the update is that i still feel the same.

well, here we are.  we leave tomorrow afternoon.  part of me doesn’t believe he’s coming with me till i see him at the airport, to be completely honest.

this conversation was 1-1/2 weeks ago.  since then, i met ALL of his immediate family and then some during a family camp weekend in the berkshires.  they’re very nice people, i must admit.  it was very interesting to see how he interacts with them.  do i feel any closer to him or that our relationship is somehow stronger or more legit?  no.  it’s been just under two months since the launch of v2.0 and i have yet to feel like i’m part of a team.

i’m not used to traveling with people, and often get frustrated whenever i have to do so.  this entire trip will be interesting in that regard since i’ll be with people almost the entire freakin’ time.  wish me luck!

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