As much fun as the vacation was, I was very excited to see my classmates. Most of us went to India and would reunite with the others in Bangkok. I have a true fondness for everyone in my class, and we were surprised to hear that the other cohorts on the trip were not as close as we are. We actually felt bad for them. Spend so much money on a program and not get along with the people that you’re there with? We only see each other 1-2x a month but many of us speak on a regular basis.
We all arrived in Bangkok at various times on Wednesday. A few friends, including the one on the flight home now, and I went sightseeing in Bangkok that afternoon, road the river boat, visited the reclining Buddha, had some street food and drinks, and just hung out and laughed and explored. Since I’ve been to Bangkok several times, I became the tour leader, and I think it went well! We headed back to the hotel to shower, change, etc. before figuring out dinner. Turns out the rest of our class was in the lobby of the hotel. I was operating off of a serious sleep deficit (still am) and figured if I went to my room, I was not going back out. Besides, it was great to see the rest of the gang!
I’ve written about my hot Aussie classmate before, most recently when he made that shitty comment about how the BF and I can’t do everything together and it’s not going to work out. That made me look at him in a different light. Regardless, he and I do have a connection that was evident from day 1, and as I’ve written before, it’s been evident to other people, as well. One of my friends/classmates even said MONTHS ago that if anything was going to happen between us, it was going to happen in Bangkok. Since he and I are both trying things out again with our exes, I forgot about this comment.
Then Wednesday happened.
It could easily be seen as inappropriate, but when I saw him, I ran up to him, jumped up and gave him a hug, wrapping my legs around him (I don’t believe this is the first time I’ve done this, either). I was sticky and gross from being out in the Bangkok sun for hours, but he didn’t care. We talked a bit before I went to say hi to the others that went to China. We all went out on the town in the first batch, me and four dudes that are all cool as shit. A few of the other girls said they were going to join right behind us and I’m glad they did. This was the MOST FUN NIGHT that I’d had in an incredibly long time. Hot Aussie and I don’t drink but we sure did that night. Nowhere nearly as much as the others, though; we weren’t hungover. Man, it was so fun. There were 8 of us at the end of the night, dancing and drinking and laughing, and straight up getting the party started at the one bar we were posted up at on Koh San Road. It was a truly epic night. We didn’t stay out late, getting back to the hotel by 130am. But we did start at about 6pm, though.
At some point during the evening, one of our classmates started talking to me about Hot Aussie and, to make a long story short, commented on how our attraction, connection, energies – whatever you want to call it – is pretty evident. Even tho we are both in relationships, it’s all still there and maybe we should stop bullshitting. He said that he’s said as much to Hot Aussie himself while in China. We are all tipsy at this point, mind you. I didn’t disagree with what he said at all. But hey, we’re both in relationships.
As the days in Bangkok would pass, it became clear that complete strangers also noticed our attraction to each other, with one even saying that he’d seen us back in LA and thought back then that we were together. Honestly, I have no idea what would’ve given this dude this impression.
Anyway, we were all jumping in taxis to go back to the hotel when the same classmate from before told me to get out of the one I was just about to step into. I asked if there was something wrong with the taxi, and he said no. I asked if everyone should get out, and he said no – just me. And that I should go in the tuk tuk with Hot Aussie and have some time. ??? I was very confused at this point, but it seemed harmless enough. Neither of us were drunk so it isn’t a big deal. So I get in the tuk tuk and Hot Aussie is in there. He says, “I think we’re being set up.” It all started to make sense. Yes, people – I am SLOW! Not long after, the same classmate from before jumps in and it’s the three of us going back to the hotel. He said that he couldn’t get into one of the other taxis for whatever reason, so there I am, on a warm Bangkok night, seated between an Englishman and an Aussie, driving through the streets, still laughing and smiling about the events of the evening, feeling the wind blow through our hair and all around us. That was a magical night and I’m fortunate to have spent it with truly incredible company. Not just these two guys, but everyone that was out with us.
We all get back to the hotel, and go back to ou respective rooms. Soon afterwards, I get a text message from Hot Aussie, saying how he was bummed he didn’t get to kiss me goodnight. ??? Again, I’m confused. I responded that I was not aware that was what he was anticipating. He said he wasn’t anticipating it but that it would’ve been nice. I said that it appears that everyone’s been waiting for it to just happen already. He went on to say how funny it is that we pretend that energy doesn’t exist when we see it between people all the time.
I asked if we could clear the air, and he agreed. I went to his room (so that I could leave if I got uncomfortable) and sat on a chair. He sat on his bed. I told him that people have been asking about us for months now; he said that it was just the one guy who made us get into the tuk tuk together, and it was only this weekend in China. I told him that he had a two-month window to do anything, something when we were both broken up and single, although that was also not really a very good time for either of us. This was the time period where he was especially moody, OMFG. We all wanted to kill him. I digress.
There are two conversations that took place while we were all still out that I failed to mention. First, I was siting next to him when his girlfriend called. We had just been talking about her briefly, and when her name popped up, he jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) said that he should pick up the phone, there at loud-ass Koh San Road, and break up with her. I was speechless. At that point, I knew very little about how his v2.0 relationship was going. That comment pretty much gave me a better idea. That lead to my comment, which I may have written about in a prior post. I told him that if things don’t work out with our significant others, we should just have kids. He said absolutely.
Ok, back to his hotel room. Honestly, I don’t remember everything that was said. It was a long ass day and night, and at that point, I’d been up for almost 48 hours. I did tell him that out of respect for our relationships and our significant others, I was going to leave because if there was anything that may happen between us, now is obviously not the time. After all, one of us has to be the grownup. I got up to leave. And here is the problem when you’re so attracted to someone in so many ways: peeling yourself away from them is a challenge. We stood there just on the inside of his door for a while, talking some more. I asked him how things are going with his girlfriend. He said it’s a struggle. I knew how he felt. I reminded him of our agreement from earlier that night. He smiled and said that she wants kids and she wants them now. He continued by saying that he doesn’t want kids now and he doesn’t want them with her. He put the final nail in the coffin by taking a step back, looking at me, and saying that I would look fantastic pregnant. I told him I thought I’d look like a bowling ball. He said only from the side. He is apparently more confident in my potential pregnancy body than I am. I said that I’m not some big yoga celebrity; I’m a designer who likes to snowboard and run. He said that didn’t matter.
Big words, right? It’s totally doing my head in. I told him that I am the last person to notice things sometimes, and often it’s because of denial. He laughed and asked how that was working out for me. I said that I wasn’t in denial anymore.
He and I would go on to resume normal behavior for the rest of our stay in Bangkok. I think during our nights out, however, it started to become more obvious to the people that we were with, especially the guys, that there was indeed something potentially blossoming, or finally coming out, between us. It was his birthday Saturday, so we all went out again on Friday night and stayed out past midnight to celebrate the birthday boy. He tends to wander off, do his own thing, and no one really knows if something is wrong or if he just really wants to do his own thing. Some thought maybe he became more pensive on his birthday, contemplating life and what not.
We talked again that night/early morning. He said that because of XYZ reasons, like still being in relationships and living on opposite coasts and still having 11 months of school left – I added that we are even on the same learning team – nothing can happen between us right now. I agreed. I said that I can go back to my denial phase, and he said that wasn’t good to pretend that an energy and attraction isn’t there. I agreed again, but said that if there’s nothing that can be done, then what’s the point of acknowledging it? He said that we obviously a have to go home and have some conversations. Do we though? I’m not jumping from one man’s arms to another. At the very least, though, it’s given me perspective.
He’s known me in a lesser time frame and interacts with me a fraction of the time than I do with my own BF. Yet, he has noticed things about me that the BF still hasn’t realized, after a year! There’s an inexplicable comfort I have with Hot Aussie that I don’t have with my BF. I feel like I can say things and not worry about everything hurting his feelings. I can be open with him about virtually anything, and act a fool with him. Maybe it’s from 9 months in a friend zone. I don’t know. These are not feelings that I have about my BF, after a year.
We met one year ago today, exactly, by the way.
On that. Crazy first night on Koh San Road, he bought a beaded bracelet from one of the vendors who was letting us take photos of her with one of th other guys in our group. He gave it to me. Another vendor came by and he asked me to pick out a necklace. I chose one that had a tree of life because it suited him more than the skull or turtle. We’ve been wearing both since that crazy night.
The BF got me a pair of earrings while we were on vacation, and I was devastated when one fell out of my ear. This happened in India, two days after I’d gotten them. Hotel staff and I searched everywhere. Nothing was found, which wasn’t a surprise because it was a small black pearl. I broke it to him, and felt completely embarrassed and ashamed. I told him I was going to take the remaining pearl and make it a necklace he understood my feeling as he lost something I’d just given him, too, and liked the idea of the necklace.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. He told me that he’s going to be in NYC this week for work. He’s been several times and he hasn’t met up with anyone. We’ll see if this time is any different. it may be, but it may not be. I know enough about him to know that he’s admitted that he jets out of a relationship when it gets too serious, and reminded him of this. It doesn’t sell me on him. My BF is the serious relationship King. Not sure if that’s any better, but that’s him. He only gets into serious relationships.
Fuck. I’ve definitely got some thinking to do. But for now, I’m going to sleep. it’s a long flight home and I’m in desperate need of rest! and recovery.