So much can happen in a small amount of time. Ni-hao from Guangzhou. I am about to embark on the 15 hour journey back to NYC. I used miles to pay for a business class seat, and can say that this is easily the best decision I’ve made in a very long time. After the crazy Bangkok nights that I’m going to describe, it’ll all make sense.
Let’s start in order. A week and a half ago, the BF and I embarked on our first real vacation together, to the other side of the world no less, where he met some family and we got him to do his first post-certification scuba dives. At the end of our holiday, we parted ways and continued on to different destinations after nine days together.
For the most part, the holiday together went really well and we had so much fun, however, we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t have some sort of argument. And argue, we did. This happened a couple days into the trip, and the night before we were going to fly out to the island to dive. Not since v1.0 days had I felt like walking away. This is bad, and a feeling that still hasn’t escaped me in the week that’s passed. I even asked him if he thought that we still had a connection. I couldn’t even tell you anymore what the specifics are of what we argued about. All I can say are that the same frustrations are all still there, front and center, manifesting themselves in different ways. These frequent, wide swings of good times vs bad times is wearing me down. I’m not used to them, and I don’t like them. His incredibly methodical way of approaching everything feels more robotic than anything else, despite him telling me that he does take the emotional aspect into consideration. Of course, he was hurt when I told him that this is how I felt his approach to our relationship was. Is there such a thing as a sensitive robot? He doesn’t think that I believe what he tells me, specifically about not being ready to hit the eject button at any time; I told him that I need a consistency between words and actions, and will not believe just words. Unfortunately, there was something about this argument that led me to inch closer to the eject button myself. I wish I could identify what it was, but I haven’t been able to thus far. I think that it’s a cumulative effect, as I find myself wondering if there really is any way for this to get better. I don’t want to discredit him as a person because he is wonderful in so, so many ways. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, or is it another train?
We haven’t seen each other in eight days. He should be back in NYC by now; there was a explosion in Chelsea last night (that I just heard about this morning) that made me immediately concerned because he does not live far from there. Unfortunately I don’t have his travel info, so I’m not sure what time he was landing. I called him as soon as I landed in Guangzhou but it went straight to voicemail. My iMessage note went through as a text, and the email didn’t go through. I had limited options to read news on the subject because China. It made me realize that I couldn’t live here, and be so cut off from the rest of the world, and people and things happening at home.
The plane has just left the gate, and the 15 hour journey home is about to begin. My girlfriend and classmate upgraded to business class and is seated in front of me. This cabin is virtually empty!