Not So Clean, but Necessary, Break

I didn’t have it planned out in my head how the breakup was going to go down.  I still wanted to have an open and honest discussion with him about the state of our relationship, and what that might mean for any future together.  While my heart was no longer in the relationship, I still cared about him and even thought that yea, maybe we can be friends after this if we actually have this honest conversation.

That would prove NOT to be the case.

On Wednesday, I continued the email discussion that we had going and told him flat out that I am not happy in the relationship, that we argue more than we do anything else, and that I’m emotionally drained.  I said that the fight in Manila made me reassess how I saw the relationship and shattered the optimism that I had.  He said that it sounded like I’d reached the end of my rope, and if that was the case, maybe he shouldn’t come to Brooklyn the next day anyway.  He said that he wanted to know what the plan was to talk about things, what the goal was, etc. – his very methodical, process-driven way of thinking. I said that the only goal was to have an open dialog, and one thought leads to another to another, and it shouldn’t be disallowed to talk about those things just because they’re not on some unwritten agenda somewhere, and this is part of what “rolling with it” means (a reference to what my therapist suggested he do).  Honestly, I felt a bit hopeful when he responded and said that he liked my plan and let’s do it.

He came to Brooklyn and we went to dinner first.  At this point, it’d been two weeks since we saw each other, and I was still kind of indifferent.  He was touching me and holding me and hugging me, and I’m like, ehhh… We talked about our trips, and went back to my apartment after dinner.  He must have stormed out about 30 min later.

He told me a long time ago that he’s horrible with dates and will forget things.  OK, thank you for the advance notice.  I can work with that.  Then I think some time around when we decided to give 2.0 a shot, he opened up and said that he’d been diagnosed as dyslexic from a young age.  OK, I don’t have any experience with that but am confident I can work around that, too.  This was clearly a big deal for him to admit, and at no point did I ever ridicule him or think anything less of him because as I’ve said and written here a number of times, he’s easily one of the smartest people I know.

For him to accuse me of mocking his disorder, and proceed to yell, scream, curse, and point his finger in my face – unacceptable.  He said that it was in my town.  What?? But at that moment, I did realize that there would be no reasoning with him, and he would never admit to any wrong doing, especially if it was anywhere even remotely related to his dyslexia.  His sensitivity was heightened even more around this subject, as if it could have gotten any higher, holy fuck.  He swatted shit across my apartment floor.  He shouted that this was done.  I didn’t bother saying much at all because he was just going off in a way I’d never seen before, but in a way I could tell was inside of him based on the escalation of our last arguments.  I wasn’t scared, but I did lose respect for him in that moment.  And in his mind, I’m sure he lost respect for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I did flip him off as he was leaving.  Since he was shouting, and I didn’t want to yell, I figured a gesture would be enough.

It was a surprising turn of events.

I spoke with a couple friends who think that he knew what I was going to do, and lashed out because of it.  That could very well have been a factor as I was not responsive to any of his advances.  At one point, before he started yelling, I just covered my face with my hands.  He was like, wtf are you doing?  I said I was listening, as I uncovered my face.  He said I looked miserable.  Yea, that’s a pretty accurate description.

I saw my therapist on Tuesday and told him everything. He said that people with personalities like the now EXBF are very hard to deal with because they are sure of everything, especially in their own goodness.  Over the course of the last couple months, I played a game with him unknowingly, trying to get him to admit that he’d done something wrong.  Never, not a one.  But he’s quick to say that it was me or us, but never at all him.  The only time I can recall him admitting wrongdoing was when he said that he made the wrong decision in breaking up with me.  Once, in one year.

Honestly, it sucks that it ended in such an abrupt and ugly way, and I’m sure he’s going to go around telling his friends and family how awful of a person I am for making fun of his disability.  I know I didn’t mock him, but I also know there’s no winning with him, either.

He’s the first BF I had in four years, and I’m a little disappointed in myself for making what turned out to be such a poor choice.  I know there was no way to know this in the beginning, but shit.  The last BF also was incapable of ever saying he was wrong or sorry.  Four years later, I find myself with a similar personality in that respect.

In any case, I was trying to make an appointment with my therapist for today but he’s not picking up his phone.  Might be technical difficulties again.  I don’t have another appointment till next Monday as I travel for work again next week.

On Wednesday night, hot Aussie classmate called and we chatted for about 90 min, mostly about relationships which is a favorite subject for him.  He said that he had to have the conversations with his gf and sounded pretty surprised when I told him that I’d already started the conversation via email.  He assured me that I wouldn’t have to deal with a crazy, jealous EXGF and that he wasn’t going to go into detail about anything that had to do with me and that she’s not like that anyway.  Riiiight.  I let him know that I didn’t have any expectations and that if whatever was gonna happen between us happened already in Bangkok, then so be it.  I’m hopeful, but not expecting things.  I texted him last night and let him know, really as a friend, that it was done and that I hoped his conversations would go over with less drama and flair.

Oh well.  In the meantime, I’ve got work, school, and a marathon to run in 6 weeks or so.  That’s plenty, and I no longer have a relationship dragging me down and sucking the life out of me.  Breaking up is never easy, even if it’s clearly the right thing to do, and I’m definitely going through some form of mourning, although it’s nowhere nearly as bad or heart-wrenching as before.  He was around for a year, and that’s a long time for me!  But I have no doubt that something better is out there.  It has to be, because that was pretty shitty.  After our first breakup, I realized what life was like without him in it, and I was pretty upset.  Then in 2.0, I realized that life without him was better than the shit we were currently going through.  There was no going back once that realization was made.

Here’s to the future!




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