ehh…

man, i’m so fuckin tired of dating.  it’s soooo exhaaaausting.  i thought training for a marathon was hard.  and it is.  but at least that ends on a specific day and time.  dating just goes on and on and on.

do things get more complicated as we get older?  or do we complicate things more as we get older?  a bit of both maybe?

i can’t say that things with DD are going swimmingly.  knowing him, he’s probably living in his world of ignorant bliss, adjusting to his new job, establishing a new lifestyle status quo, and everything is awesome.  and why wouldn’t it be when really all he’s interested in is his life, and what he’s doing, and how things are in his world.  perhaps the novelty is fading a bit.  it’s been a quick two months, and i don’t even mean that sarcastically (shocking, i know).  a lot of things have been said and done to seemingly put things on a fast-track, and now i find myself questioning why i’m on this track and where the hell are the brakes?!  whenever i start to question things, i become more quiet which is the opposite of what i should do, i know.  my therapist reminded me again of this today.

the other night, i was point blank with asking him wtf is going on between us.  i hate asking this question, especially after such a short time, but because things moved so fast, i felt the need to do a pulse check.  i knew that his definition of dating meant focusing on one person, and we all know that my definition of dating is the opposite.  🙂  from his viewpoint, he called it “dating plus” meaning exclusive dating and trending towards becoming a relationship.  ah ok, so i’m not in a relationship.  good to know since that’s not what the case was last time.  i probably overshared by telling him that while i was not actively pursuing or dating other men, that does not mean that they are not pursuing me, and in an attempt to NOT hurt or damage things, i wanted to just make sure we both had an understanding of what the current state of affairs is.  he proceeded to say that he understands that guys will pursue me, but that he would stop should i start to pursue others.

fool, you would have no fuckin clue what i’m doing.  let’s be real.  especially now that he’s got super long days at work, he would REALLY have no idea who i’m talking to or what i’m doing or where i’m going.  especially now that i just unshared my google calendar with him because honestly, that’s probably the most information he would get about my life since he doesn’t ask me about it.

so today, i decided to take back control.  i’m not waiting for him to make decisions about my plans.  i booked my return flight from LA ($80 more expensive now, thanks) without waiting anymore if we were going to meet in Denver where he may be for work.  i took back my google calendar.  i watched a movie for school that he said he wanted to watch with me tonight (mind you, i haven’t heard from him since noon, so whatever).  he made dinner reservations for sunday at 830pm at some japanese place in the city.  i have to come back from my friends’ place in NJ for this but have decided that i’m not going to his place afterwards and will instead go home… and even scheduled my groceries to be delivered saturday morning so i really have no choice.

maybe i made things too easy and he’s too comfortable already.  they always get so comfortable so fast, and i blame myself for at least part of that.

fact is, i’ve got a lot on my mind and the job hunt thing is stressing me out.  without training for a marathon, i feel that i’ve lost some structure to my days, hence being awake at 1219am.  i’d love to be able to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t even ask.  as i said,  i haven’t heard from him since noon.  maybe i was spoiled by talking to him all the time when he was transitioning out of his previous job.  maybe he’s still finding his groove with his current one.  but i still don’t think that’s an excuse.

so i’m keeping my options open.  i’m not actively pursuing anyone, but if a viable opportunity arises, do i have any reason to say no?

a possible influencer here is the Hot Aussie.  i went to class after an interview so i was still dressed up.  he gave me a hug and commented on how nice i look; many people commented on it, even my professor, since i’m usually in high tops and a sweatshirt, haha!  he asked if i had a meeting, i said yes.  he asked if it was an interview.  i thought about it for a second, if i wanted to disclose this info to him, and i said yes.  he smiled and asked, here??  i said yes, and that i’d expanded my search outside of NYC.

while we were both well behaved for most of the weekend, that only lasted for so long.  it’s like a gravitational pull towards each other; i don’t know how else to explain it.  the talk about marathons turns into a hand on the shoulder turns into an arm around the waist turns into the signature hug with my legs wrapped around him turns into the other signature hug from behind (with a twist this time: a kiss on my neck) turns into an extended hug with a quick kiss before saying goodbye.  he told a classmate that he and the GF weren’t dating anymore, but that they were in couples therapy to sort out his relationship issues.  she was understandably confused when she told me this.  well, i started looking at her IG page again the other day, and sure enough, the photo of them is gone and her latest post from two days ago is a quote about new beginnings.

maybe he’s telling the truth this time.

 

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