current mood: mehh..

i don’t even know where to begin.  i’m feeling so mehh that i can’t even be bothered to set a feature image for this post.

the end of the year is coming up fast, and things are getting hectic with school and work (more specifically, trying to find new work) and snowboarding needs to be scheduled in there, too.  i’m gone for eight days starting on tuesday, home for four days, gone for another eight, and then it’s new years for which i have no plans.  there’s always this weird pressure to do something big for new years.  there’s been talk about going to tahoe with friends or going to utah with friends, but aside from the cash flow required, i’m kind of wanting to stay home for a bit.  if i can.  until something else comes up.

none of these plans involve DD, btw.  just today he was finally able to book his flight to denver and will be there for a week starting wednesday.  i’d waited as long as i could to book my return flight after class and decided to pull the trigger without him.  even though it would’ve been fun, i have no regrets for doing so.  that’s just too much schlepping for me, with a big ass snowboard bag?  no thanks.  besides, i’ll be in denver towards the end of december anyway when there will hopefully be more snow.

anyway, what i’m really wondering is if when i asked him if he has the bandwidth to date me, did i really mean do i have the bandwidth to date, let alone date him?  right now, when he’s not around, i couldn’t be bothered with everything else that i have to deal with.  it wasn’t always like this, though.  i used to miss him when we weren’t together.  now, i don’t get that feeling so much.  maybe my head is really just focused elsewhere.

i’ll tell you one thing, though, and that’s how this job thing is really stressing me out.  i have 7-1/2 months left of grad school which will fly by.  i resolved to find a new job, something that i actually enjoy again, before i graduate.  well, that time is now and i’m starting to feel the pressure.  fuck, those student loans aren’t going to pay themselves.  (i just logged onto my account to pay an additional amount towards the principal)

i digress.  when we’re together, we have a lot of fun.  shit, we spent the entire weekend together, from friday night to sunday afternoon, which was much more than what i was expecting or prepared for (i.e. i ran out of underwear).

for whatever the many reasons, i do not feel at liberty to let go.  and shit, it’s only been a couple of months.  i just really need to sort my shit out first before i can feel comfortable again with anyone.

there are some potentially cool opportunities out there, and it’s a good feeling that people are seeking me out instead of it being just the other way around.  there’s also the one that i really want; they were finally able to create the more senior position last week and HR emailed me to let me know it was posted, as well as to say that the hiring manager has been traveling so much but that she would have an update for me when she’s back.  i was very excited to get this email and let HR know that i’d just seen the post prior to the email and had applied for it already.  there is no hiding my excitement at this opportunity, as much as i may try.  there are a couple of other things swirling around, too, that aren’t as far into the process as this one.  i’m literally keeping all digits, limbs, and other remaining body parts crossed for something awesome to present itself to me.

until it does, i have to put on a happy face and suck it up with my current place of employment.  i’m just tired of being underappreciated for the shit that i do, and the revolving door of leadership that just holds everyone down unless you’re in the inner sanctum.

and on that note, i’ve got homework to do.  mehh…

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