I’m Not Your Girlfriend

As I’m pretty sure I stated some posts ago, ever since DD started his new job, we haven’t seen each other or spoken much.  Totally understandable; I’m not mad at that at all.  Saturday, while I was in LA, was a first in that it was the first time since we started dating that we didn’t speak.  At all.  Nothing.  Not a peep.  In all fairness, I was having fun with friends in LA anyway, but I still noticed.  Did I reach out to him?  No.  Why?  Maybe some archaic belief that I should be the one being pursued.  Maybe I care less than I used to.  Who knows.  I spent Saturday evening with Hot Aussie, said our farewells at the airport, and I started my journey back east.  On Sunday afternoon, I get a text from DD asking if I’m back.  For a variety of reasons (jet lag, sleep deprivation, smiling caused by another man), I gave him short answers.  We had some back and forth for a couple hours.  I took my ass to the gym and finally asked him, are we seeing each other today or no?  He said that he was hoping so, and that he could come over after the football game he was watching.  Fine.

He comes over and tells me that he’s a bit hungover.  As soon as he said that, I could smell the booze off his breath or flesh – both?  It pretty much grossed me out and I maintained a safe distance on the other end of the sofa.  He took a shower and was better.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I had to pick up on a conversation that was barely started the week before where he referenced himself as my “winter boyfriend” which automatically made the wheels in my head come to a screeching halt.

The hell did you just say?  

Boyfriend?  I don’t have one of those.  And after the conversation where he called what we were doing “dating plus”, I didn’t know wtf he was talking about.  So I asked him.  And he said that he refers to me as his girlfriend.  What?  I do give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to words since English is not his first language.  No jumping to conclusions here.

That was on my mind all bloody week till I saw him on Sunday, and I picked up where we left off.  It started a little something like this:

“So, about this whole girlfriend thing, I wasn’t a part of that conversation.  I don’t have many boyfriends and it’s a decision that I take seriously.  We aren’t even in a relationship, based on what you told me a month ago.”

“Did I say that we weren’t in a relationship?”

“YES.  You said we were still getting to know each other.”

“Would you be my girlfriend?”

“No.  And my answer to that question might have been different if I didn’t have the concern that you disregard and don’t consider my feelings.  To me, we are still getting to know each other, and this is a concern that is making me look at things between us differently.”

Maybe not verbatim, but that is a fairly accurate account.  I pointed out to him that just when we were sitting on my sofa just before, I was saying something and he butted in with some completely irrelevant story.  I think he gets it.  Hopefully it makes him feel a little uncomfortable.  He talked about how he has been moderating his behavior in order to adjust to me, but that he will make mistakes from time to time.  Sure, I understand all of that.  And I told him that I truly believe that nothing he does is out of malice.  But that still doesn’t make it OK.  At the end of th day, I’m not chasing him.  I’m not fighting for his attention if he doesn’t want to listen to me because yo, #1) that’s bullshit, and #2) I’m so fuckin tired these days; i don’t want to have to fight for him to just listen!  So how do I fix that?  I just don’t talk to him much, so that minimizes the odds of him not listening to me or interrupting me or just waiting for me to finish what i’m saying so he can commandeer the conversation again.  

This doesn’t feel like a relationship to me.  Not even close.  It feels like two people who talk whenever it’s convenient, which isn’t often, and see each other even less.  

I leave for eight days on Sunday and I don’t believe I will see him at all before then.  I’ve got my final paper due the day after I leave, so that’s what I’m focusing on.  Hell yea, this is all a bit of a bummer but I don’t know that I should be going out of my way for someone who makes me feel like that, unintentionally or not.  I don’t feel even remotely integrated into his life or world. All of this is so familiar, shit that I went through with the EXBF not long ago.  Starting to wonder just wtf am I really expecting?  Is Hot Aussie a factor here?  I’m sure he is in one way or another.  All this to make me wonder – when was the last time I was in love?  Answer: 10 years ago.  I was an entirely different person then.  


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